A Confession and a Whole Lot of Reflection

I have a confession: In addition to my blog, I have also been keeping an old fashioned journal. My first semester, I was very diligent about writing in it every night, recording even some of the more mundane aspects of life abroad. But this semester, I have been rather lax. Perhaps I got out of the habit when my parents were visiting back in January and just never got back into the groove. As it is, I am lucky to get to it weekly, and sometimes weeks or even a month (or more!) goes by without a single entry.

And there are many weeks that I struggle with posting an update here.

The problem is not that as time goes on I have less to say but rather that I do not know how to put into words what I am experiencing, what I am feeling. It's been a rough semester - been sick a lot, haven't been able to sleep, lacking energy, missing home - and that's just what is going on with me personally. There were all the rockets Gaza launched into Israel, the bombing in downtown that killed a Rothberg student, Israel's return-fire on Gaza that not only killed terrorists but also innocent children, the assassination of Bin Laden, the death of an Palestinian teen at the hands of the IDF, and most recently, the events of Nakba Day (the day the Arabs mourn the establishment of the State of Israel, which usually includes some form of violence). And that, I know, is just a short list of the highlights.

Perhaps I should be afraid, and maybe I am a little bit, sometimes. But for the most part, fear is not part of my daily life. I go to class, study, buy groceries at the corner store once or twice a week, go to synagogue. Occasionally, I take the bus to the center of town, to go to dinner with friends or to make a trip to the shuk. I watch TV, talk to Mom, miss my Gabby-girl and play with Sierra instead.

Sometimes I feel numb, like I am just going through the motions. Sometimes I forget that I am in Israel; other times, I wonder how the hell I ended up here in the first place. Why in the world would I ever choose to move halfway around the world to Jerusalem?!? (And perhaps more importantly, why did my parents allow me to do so?!?) And yet I know that I have grown more in these past 7 1/2 months than the rest of my life combined. I know that I needed to come here in order to become the person I need to be, the person I want to be. I thought I came here to learn at Hebrew U, but the most important lessons I have learned have mainly been outside the classroom walls.

And despite it all, despite how excited I am to be leaving in three weeks, I can hardly believe that the school year is almost up, that I will be re-packing my life into 2 suitcases and moving back home, leaving all this behind. I have no desire to stay in Israel - as one of my friends here said, Israel quickly loses its appeal, especially if you are not Jewish - but I will miss the friends I have made, the people whose lives have touched and affected mine, who I would have never met if I didn't decide on a total whim to apply. And I know that home is not going to be the same home that I left. Many of my friends at MTSO graduated yesterday; most of them I will not see again. My goddaughter will turn one three days after I return, and another friend just had a baby on Thursday. I will not know most of the student body come fall, since I did not have a chance to meet any of the 2010 new students. My friends will have new friends, and I will have to learn how to adjust. A whole year will have went by, a whole year of which I was not a part.

And yet, I know that somehow, everything will be just fine.